random thoughts: serendipity ?


ha... fate is seriously trying to tell me something man.
just yesterday, i wrote about my "lost time", and in
today's newspapers was an article on identity disorder
which somewhat reflected my own condition. if anyone is
interested, it's page 14 of Mind Your Body that comes
with The Strait Times. "like actors playing themselves",
"keeping their genuine emotions at bay," "paying a
emotional debt..." are some quotes(not exact) from the
article. oh well, i like to think that the cause for mine
is somewhat very different from that stated in the
article but it doesnt matter anymore. Im cured, haha,
kinda strange when you put it that way.

yesterday, i was comtemplating whether to post the
following. well, here it goes.




no self-pity
but maybe a tinge of regret.
it's unavoidable.

the death of days. its blood on my hands


more than 4 years of the prime of my life. 1999-2004.
time passed, time lost to me forever. it was as though my
growth curve had shot up drastically and then decided
to stagnate. it feels weird looking back at that period
of time. the me before then and the me now were akin
to separate person from the one during those years of
hollowness and void. a time when i had the opportunity
to completely change my life as it is. but that
opportunity had went past me like a ghost, forever to
haunt me whenever it pleases.

there are plenty of reasons i attribute those "lost years"
to but there's no point in writing them here. those months
after i finally manage to break myself free of that
unfathomable black hole i unwittingly fell into, i spent
trying to come up to speed with the people around me. behind
time and lagging... hah! the irony of it all. how horribly
i stumbled then which only goes to show how detached i was.
and im sure without a shadow of a doubt that even the me of
'98 would have been amused and disgusted at how immature my
thoughts and actions were during that time of "rehabilitation".

this might not mean anything but to all my friends whom i knew
during the peiod of 1999-2004, i apologized. you guys had to
endure a part of me that wasn't sure of who he was. and im sure
my totally indifferent and abnormal(bordering on stupidity) ways
of handling things got on your nerves on more than a couple of
occasions. my friends before then were so-called "lucky" for
they knew the person that im really am. but to the few that
stuck it through with me, im grateful. truly.

and don't worry, im back to my old self or personality. not
entirely but well, maybe it's for the better anyhow.


have i repaid my debt? how do i make up for lost time then?

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