oh my hands,
they've tried to grasp
the stars alluring but alas,
alike dreams, it eschews
so fleeting to the touch.


random thoughts: the illusion of age

been writing alot about life it seem looking back at the few
entries i managed to churn out for the last few months. I
wonder whether it's coz im 21 this year, 21 being society's
deifinite age of adulthood. and for a blog which professed to
touch on poetry and philosophy, i have actually never really
written about philosophy.haha. well, a entry on philo would
take up too much space ya, and i like to keep my entries
short. ok, so maybe im kinda lazy too. and yes, the above
stanza aint really related to this entry.
in peace: of poetry and philosophy!

and now, a short philosophical piece. ha...
(it's brief, so don't expect too much)



the search for purpose.intimacy:god


what is your purpose?
that which is the soul
of one's life and fuels
the passions of thy heart.


firstly, on a more personal note: admittedly, this purpose
shit has been with me ever since i was 12. and i have to say,
it's quite shitty when you actually cared about this kind of
stuff at such a age. oh well, it's not as though we have
control over it ya. fate it seemed, just dealt me a cruel
hand. anyway, my perception of it had not changed much but
of coz, it's much more refined and mature now.


as old as mankind itself is its search for the purpose of
life. Why are we here? what were we brought into this world
to do? but man's inherent need to search for this universal
purpose is much more basic than that.

what is the purpose of studying? to pass the exams for some.
what is the pupose of participating in a cca? it's something
you like and enjoy. what is the purpose of doing something?
coz it needs to be done. there's a purpose in almost
everything we do. if you want to dwell deeper, there's also
fulfilling society's purpose of morality and expectations
which encompasses things as simple as throwing the rubbish
into the bin and getting a job. well to you, the purpose of
working might be just earning the cash to get through life.
but that can also be considered society's purpose(which is a
whole topic by itself actually).

what if you remove purpose? lets say you dont need to pass
your exams to advance, that you don't enjoy the cca, that
there's totally no consequence at all for not doing a
certain thing. yes, some of us are naturally drive to excel,
but aint that itself a purpose? a purpose or a will if you
like to excel. without purpose, what do we end up with? what
we will have is the slavery of nothingness. there's no point
in doing things anymore, no responsibilities, no
consequences. people have claimed that without religions or
moral condemnation, there will be total anarchy, but i've
digressed.

we have briefly touch upon how essential having a purpose is
and what can more important than the purpose of life? we
might not consciously feel the need for it, but sub-
consciously, we are all looking for it. but is there a
purpose to life in the first place? it would appear that
since there "is" a purpose to almost everything we do, that
we have unconsciously assume that there MUST be a purpose to
life too. Is this a error of perception on our part? or do we
just need a purpose to live? it's a discussion that is much
more than what i've just wrote, but i would leave the rest
for you to think about. what is your purpose?

ok i admit, im lazy. So i shall leave the "intimacy:god"
portion for another day. or maybe never. haha. oh well, if
anyone is interested, you know how to get hold of me.


how wretched it is, the slavery of nothingness.

{-+-}

random thoughts: serendipity ?


ha... fate is seriously trying to tell me something man.
just yesterday, i wrote about my "lost time", and in
today's newspapers was an article on identity disorder
which somewhat reflected my own condition. if anyone is
interested, it's page 14 of Mind Your Body that comes
with The Strait Times. "like actors playing themselves",
"keeping their genuine emotions at bay," "paying a
emotional debt..." are some quotes(not exact) from the
article. oh well, i like to think that the cause for mine
is somewhat very different from that stated in the
article but it doesnt matter anymore. Im cured, haha,
kinda strange when you put it that way.

yesterday, i was comtemplating whether to post the
following. well, here it goes.




no self-pity
but maybe a tinge of regret.
it's unavoidable.

the death of days. its blood on my hands


more than 4 years of the prime of my life. 1999-2004.
time passed, time lost to me forever. it was as though my
growth curve had shot up drastically and then decided
to stagnate. it feels weird looking back at that period
of time. the me before then and the me now were akin
to separate person from the one during those years of
hollowness and void. a time when i had the opportunity
to completely change my life as it is. but that
opportunity had went past me like a ghost, forever to
haunt me whenever it pleases.

there are plenty of reasons i attribute those "lost years"
to but there's no point in writing them here. those months
after i finally manage to break myself free of that
unfathomable black hole i unwittingly fell into, i spent
trying to come up to speed with the people around me. behind
time and lagging... hah! the irony of it all. how horribly
i stumbled then which only goes to show how detached i was.
and im sure without a shadow of a doubt that even the me of
'98 would have been amused and disgusted at how immature my
thoughts and actions were during that time of "rehabilitation".

this might not mean anything but to all my friends whom i knew
during the peiod of 1999-2004, i apologized. you guys had to
endure a part of me that wasn't sure of who he was. and im sure
my totally indifferent and abnormal(bordering on stupidity) ways
of handling things got on your nerves on more than a couple of
occasions. my friends before then were so-called "lucky" for
they knew the person that im really am. but to the few that
stuck it through with me, im grateful. truly.

and don't worry, im back to my old self or personality. not
entirely but well, maybe it's for the better anyhow.


have i repaid my debt? how do i make up for lost time then?

{-+-}